The Naked Soul

When we go to see a magician we understand that through mis-direction and slight of hand we are going to be perplexed by the magic tricks that a magician entertains us with. In the back of our minds we know that what we are seeing is an illusion; however we are entertained because we cannot figure the illusion out. If we were able to figure out how the illusion was orchestrated we would quickly realize that there indeed was no real magic and the trick would lose its impact to entertain us. Therefore, most people may think about the illusion; however they don’t try to hard to find the truth behind the illusion simply because they don’t want to spoil the magic.

This is the same situation many people find themselves in as they enter a new romantic relationship. Truth is that when we are infatuated with another person, we truly relish the illusion and we want to hold on to the illusion as long as we can, therefore even though on some level we know that much of what we are feeling, seeing and sensing is an illusion of sorts, we are okay with that, because we are enjoying the feelings that the illusion is bringing us.  This is the exact reason why at first, we may not see what in retrospect were obvious signs that there were things about the other person that should have been red flags for us. Often times as we look back we will blame ourselves and say how could I have been so blind, how could I have missed the signs that this person had an addiction problem or that they lacked integrity, had money problems or that they were already in a committed relationship/married? The answer is almost always pretty simple, the signs were all there, however we did not want to disrupt our illusion, we did not want to stop and ask the questions we should have asked because we did not want to burst the bubble, the illusion and accompanying story that we had developed.

The magic of falling in love is very seductive, it produces real chemical reactions within our body and we are literally doped up and don’t want lose that feeling. Falling in love is one of the most wonderful events in our life that we will ever experience. Falling in love is a grand time and at the same time falling in love is when we must make a conscious effort to raise our awareness and not be blinded by the dopamine that is flowing through our system. We must move forward with eyes wide open as we enjoy the wonder of a new relationship and be willing to risk bursting the possible illusions by recognizing the red flags and asking questions. If we don’t we stand the risk of going deep into a relationship that can quickly become toxic, feeling there is no way out.

If you enter into a relationship and you say to yourself I can fix this person to be a better person or in other words the person you want them to be, than you are creating and living an illusion. An illusion which will inevitably reveal itself and possibly become something you can’t live with.

If we choose to fall under the spell of an illusion, it is most likely that at some point the relationship will fizzle, because once the illusion is revealed, our interest level in maintaining the relationship fizzles and we then desire to simply end the relationship. You will even hear people in this situation say that we simply fell out of love, the magic was gone.

Truth is relationship magic is not magic at all. Relationship magic is being fully aware of each other, it is being our true self and not donning masks which will melt away as the length and commitment of the relationship grows. Relationship magic is recognizing each other for who we truly are, warts and all. Relationship magic is being each others best friend and loving each other without conditions and accepting each other without a plan to “fix” each other.

The true magic in a relationship is not really magic, it is consciousness, purpose and unconditional love for each other that has the strength to weather the constant changes which occur in our life daily.

It may sound very romantic to call ones relationship magical, however the real magic in a nourishing, positive relationship is that there are no illusions.

At my company I am in the midst of writing and conducting mid-year performance reviews. I find that performance reviews which are done correctly can be a very good tool for employees and their managers. At my company we set annual objectives and measure performance against those objectives as the year progresses.

This review process got me thinking about doing a review of myself. I often do review myself in many capacities, work being one of them. The most important review that I do for myself is how am I doing against my personal/spiritual objectives. Now, I did not sit down with pen and paper at the beginning of the year an outline my spiritual growth objectives, nor will I next year. Setting spiritual objectives in this manner would not suit me. I have sat here today and thought about my spiritual objectives and acknowledged that the most important objective that I could measure myself against would be “do I do everything from a place of love?” In other words, do I think, act, react and plan everything from spirit (love) or at times do I still act from ego?

Of course the answer right now is that at times I do act from ego and that is okay as long as I am recognizing when and why I do. To do a review of this every great once in a while would not do me much good, that is, I would not be progressing along my journey in the manner to which I desire. The real key is to have awareness of our self and one of the easiest ways to do this is to be able to take time to review our self daily. It is quite simple to find a quiet moment in your day to reflect upon the thoughts you had, the reactions that you had and the actions that you took and simply ask, did I think, re-act and act from love, from my true spiritual self or did I have incidences today where my ego took over? If I had incidences today where my thoughts/actions were ruled by my ego, what would I have done differently if I had been thinking/acting from a place of love? What impact would thinking/acting from love have had on my self and others? Once I recognize that I thought/acted from ego, I then have the opportunity to explore the possibility of self correcting with love and having a different impact that I had the first time around.

Of course the thought of going back to say something or do something different in order to think/act from love is sure to bring your ego front and center. Our ego will scream foul! Our ego will say “You can’t go back and correct what you thought or did, what will others think of you, it’s akin to admitting your wrong”. Our ego never wants us to admit we were wrong or that we made a mistake, this act simply goes against the code of the ego and sends it into a frenzy of justifications and excuses.

It is important to understand and anticipate the reaction of your ego and to keep yourself centered in spirit and feeling, thinking and acting from a place of love, your true self.

Remember doing this review daily is simple and it is an opportunity to grow, not an exercise to beat your self up with.

Be in Joy as you reflect upon your daily journey!

Footnote: for those who say finding a moment in your day to reflect is not simple, I say, you simply are not looking at your whole day. That moment to reflect does not have to be a moment in the lotus position contemplating your navel. You can find silent, alone moments in the car, in the bathroom, as you lay down to go to sleep at night, a walk around the block, walking the dog, morning coffee on the porch , etc. If you really want to find a moment, you can.

Great thoughts to consider.  Please read the below thoughts of Plato.

Allegory of the Cave

Imagine that some humans have lived inside a cave. They have never seen the light of day but have spent their entire lives inside a cave. Behind them is the large cave opening, bright with sunlight, but the humans are prisoners in this cave and their backs are turned away from the cave opening. The humans are chained by their necks and legs and live constantly with their faces toward the inside wall of the cave.

Behind the human prisoners a fire blazes and between the prisoner and the fire is a small wall. The wall is tall enough to conceal the free people that walk between the fire and the wall, but it does not conceal anything the people are carrying. People, free people, are carrying statues of animals, statues of men, statues of trees etc. The prisoners only see the reflection of the statues on the wall. Those reflections, shadows cast by the statues, is the reality for the prisoners. The prisoners believe that the shadows are real. The only realities the prisoners know are the shadows and the voices of the people from behind the wall, the voices that echo off the wall.

Now suppose one of the prisoners is freed from his chain and turns to see the bright light of the fire. They then see the bright light of the cave opening and walk out of the cave. First the fire would blind their eyes, and then as their eyes adjust and they go outside of the cave, the sun would blind their eyes, but then again, their eyes would adjust. What would that person now believe about reality? Or the deeper question, what would they believe about their original reality?

What would happen to the now freed prisoner who enters back into the cave with this new reality and tries to explain it to the other prisoners? Would they believe him? Could he convince them? How has his life changed in light of the light?

The prisoners in the cave are living out their lives in semi-darkness, their legs and their necks are chained and they believe that the mere shadows on the wall is reality. These prisoners are in bondage but they believe they have life and that the shadows are reality. The prisoners live a life of ignorance about themselves and ignorance about reality.

Plato

What is your reality? Is it real?

Is sex confusing your relationship? If you answered yes to this don’t feel alone. One of the biggest confusions within a relationship is sex.

Sexual attraction is often a catalyst for a relationship, however rarely is sexual attraction or the act of sex what sustains a relationship. Even though our biology may crave sexual satisfaction, sexual satisfaction is rarely what drives a long term mature relationship. The release of sexual energy is often followed by a wonderful physical state of relaxation and satisfaction, however emotionally we often may find that sex leaves us feeling somewhat empty and longing for something more. The reason we may feel this way emotionally after engaging in sex is because the sex lacked true passion. Many times people have sex for a lot of reasons that have nothing to do with passion. Many have sex out of obligation or to meet certain external expectations. Some people use sex as a bargaining chip, as a control mechanism, while many people have sex to attempt to fill an emptiness that they feel. When we have sex for these reasons we are often left feeling less than whole, less than satisfied and often confused about the state of our relationship. There are couples who sometimes use sex as a temporary release of tension within their relationship. In this case the sex may be great, however the under currents of dissatisfaction within the relationship remain and therefore we create confusion about the state of our relationship.

Many people become confused about their relationship when their partner does not demonstrate an interest in sex or does not have the same level of desire for sex as their partner does. The lack of sexual intimacy for many becomes a point of concern that there is something wrong with their relationship. Instead of seeking to understand the reasonable possibilities for a lack of sexual interest, we often find ourselves conjuring up all kinds of negative thoughts like, “I am not attractive”, “I don’t turn him/her on” or “Their must be someone else”. While these are all possibilities, the truth usually is that there is something else contributing to a decline or absence of sexual drive, none of which have anything to do with the state of your relationship. Reasons could be that your lover is simply exhausted or that they don’t feel well, or that they themselves perceive themselves as unattractive. When we fail to seek to understand the real reasons and we react upon our own perceptions we often cause a rift in a relationship that didn’t have any problems to begin with.

To help ourselves understand the significance of sex in our relationship, we must step outside our self and ask a question. “Why am I in a relationship with this person?” The most common answer in a long term relationship is “Because I love him/her”.  Note, very few people in a mature, true long term relationship will say “because the sex is frequent and great”.

We most often enter into a relationship because we “fall in love” and that boils down to meaning that the person we are in a relationship with enhances our life in a way that we believe no one else can and in a way that we could not reproduce our self. Further to the point, we fall in love with the authentic self of the other person and not their physical form, nor the physical/sexual satisfaction that we derive from that person (even though this aspect of the relationship is a beautiful bonus).

The reality is this, if you are with the love of your life and in a emotionally and spiritually satisfying relationship, the physical part of the relationship is simply the icing on the cake and if for whatever reason the physical part of the relationship changed, it would not diminish the core of your relationship, nor would it drive you to seek another relationship.

The hardest part of understanding the meaning of sex within a relationship is the fact the most couples don’t have honest conversations about their sexual needs and expectations, nor are people honest with themselves.

The best sex that anyone ever has is that which comes within the flow of the relationship, that which is a natural outcome of all the other aspects of your relationship. Sex which is forced, coerced, bribed, etc is that which leaves us satisfied for an ever brief moment, however leaves us empty and confused.

The next time you feel confused about your relationship because of sex, you need to stop and communicate honestly with yourself and your partner. Furthermore you must reflect and truly understand why you are in the relationship that you are in and seek to know weather or not you are with the person you should be with. Too many people enter into relationships with good intentions and find themselves staying in a wrong relationship for all the wrong reasons.

To thine own self be true - this should always be your mantra as you evaluate the state of your relationship. Remember sex is simply a by-product of a loving relationship and does not carry the weight that the mass media in our culture extols.

“We learn simply by the exposure of living. Much that passes for education is not education at all but ritual. The fact is that we are being educated when we know it least”

- David P. Gardner - Educator

In the past few years I have conducted over 500 job interviews for various positions within the business world.  I have also conducted training for numerous new hires over the years. The one thing that always stands out for me is that for most the level of a person’s education does not correlate to practical application in the day to day world. What I mean is a large amount of people are well educated, however do not possess the basic tools to successfully function within the corporate world and many do not possess the skill sets to maneuver through the basics of adult life.

David Garner says it very well in the above quote, much of what passes for education is ritual and much of that ritual is antiquated because what is taught is not transferrable to daily life.

Most of us live in a complex world, a world that has changed radically in the last 40 years, while at the same time most of our formal educational institutions have stayed rooted in the past.

It seems that many people who are graduating from high school and college lack the basic skills that will permit them to land the jobs they seek and they lack the wisdom/guidance to make decisions regarding their finances, relationships, etc. Couple the fact that our educational institutions have not taken on the task of teaching life skills with the fact that over the last 40 plus years, the availability of parents being in the home with children to teach life skills has changed dramatically and it is no surprise that many people are not properly prepared to make effective decisions as they enter into the world of an adult.

The reality is that much of what we learn, as David Gardner said, is through the exposure of living. There are many opportunities each day to expose people in our charge to the experiences of life. As parents we must create an awareness of “teachable moments”.  We must be willing to share our decision process with our children and help them understand why we do the things we do and not just “because I say so” or “because I am the adult”.  It is important that our children be given the opportunity to learn through exposure to the events in our life.  Many of us also have the opportunity to be a mentor to other people and can accelerate their exposure to life through our life. It is our duty to expose these people to living by allowing them to walk in our shoes and by giving them opportunities that will stretch them beyond their known abilities.

I know that many of us are busy and have tight timelines to hit and that often times it is easier to do something our self rather then have someone else do what needs to be done, however I encourage you to look for opportunities to teach others by exposing them to life situations that will stretch them beyond their known capabilities.

I have had the privilege of being associated with many people in my life who have had the foresight, confidence and patience to expose me to things that at first seemed beyond my scope. These opportunities have made an incredible difference in my “education” through life experiences.

It is my desire that each of you will take on the task of educating all of the people who enter your life through being aware of teaching opportunities and sharing the exposure to life experiences with those whom you touch; for this will be one of the greatest legacies that you could bestow upon the world.

There was an explorer who was sent to Africa by his company to find a certain tribe in Africa. He was on a very tight time line, so he hired a handful of local Africans to help him carry his equipment. He and his team hurried through the jungle. They raced onward for three days. At the end of the third day, the Africans on his team sat down and would not move. The explorer urged them to get up, telling them of the pressure he was under to reach his designation before a certain date. They refused to move. He could not understand this; after much persuasion, they still refused to move. Finally, he got one of them to admit the reason. This native said, “We have moved too quickly to reach here; now we need to wait here to give our spirits a chance to catch up with us”. - Author Unknown

In most of the societies in which we live, daily life comes at a hurried pace. There is much to be done in a given day and many roles and responsibilities to fulfill. We are often in a big hurry to finish what we are doing so that we can start the next thing on our schedule and more often than not, we are trying to do multiple things at once to save time.  For many of us, there does not seem to be enough hours in the day to get everything done that we want or need to get done.  In turn, we run ourselves ragged, don’t eat properly, don’t sleep enough and don’t spend enough time enjoying the very things we say we are doing everything for are often the first things to be neglected, our self, family, friends, etc.

I like the idea of giving ourselves time to allow our “spirit” to catch up. Some may say that is what the weekends and vacations are for. I would say that for many going to work on Monday is often a relief from the madness of a busy weekend or vacation.

We in fact do need to allow our spirit to catch up so to speak; however the way we do this is not by doing different things that keep us busy, such as a day off or a vacation. In fact we owe it our self, to our personal well being and subsequent growth to make time for our spirit to catch up daily and to develop an awareness of the state of “busy” that we too often find ourselves in. To allow our spirit to catch up as the natives in the story prescribed themselves is not to necessarily stop the activity as much as it is to change our state of being from being busy and hurried to being at peace in who we are and what we are doing. That is we can still go through our day and at the same time not be in such a hurried state of mind to get everything done. The truth is that often when we change our state of being from being in such a hurry we actually heighten our awareness and actually get more done while in a more peaceful and relaxed state.

Most of us have seed the sign that says “the more hurried I get, the further behind I get”. There is much truth to this, think about a time where you simply had to get a lot done in a short time. Chances are you will remember that you made more mistakes as you hurried along which ended up taking more time to complete compared to if you would have been relaxed and able to focus on one thing at a time.

We are on a wonderful adventure, take the time to embrace and enjoy your adventure and always find time in your day to allow your spirit to catch up!

Last night I watched the American Film Institute bestow their prestigious lifetime achievement award to, actor, producer, director, writer, Warren Beatty. Warren Beatty sat in attendance as friends, family and peers reflected on his great achievements in all aspects of his life. Almost everyone who spoke about Warren remarked about his process and talked about how his commitment to process was a major factor in his success both professionally and personally.

I am a big believer in process. I know that if the process is good than the results will happen. This has been confirmed to me so many times in my life. The other day I turned on the radio and there was a gentleman on the program discussing how children who are praised on process emotionally and intellectually develop in a different way than children who are praised soley on outcome.  For example, a child brings home a top grade on their math test and we praise the child and tell the child how smart they are at math, we are actually doing them a disservice. Rather than saying how smart they are at math, what we should praise is the work they put into learning the math and studying and preparing for the test. Here is why, if we praise the process than the child learns to associate process with success or failure. If we only praise the accomplishment the child learns to think they are either good or they are bad at something and there is no in between.

For instance, one might say I am great at math, however am bad at spelling because of how they have learned to process certain outcomes. If I try to ride a horse and I fall off, then I must be bad at horse back riding. Truth of the matter is, I am bad at horse back riding because it is something new to me and I have to go through a process to get better.

If I learned to think that I am good or bad at something because of the process that I did or did not do than I don’t automatically say I am good or bad at something, I first look at my process and make corrections in my commitment to the process to get better at what I am doing.

The next time you hear yourself saying that you are “bad” at something or that you are “good” at something I want you to stop and reflect why. I encourage you to not accept the first reason that come to mind, which are often stuff like “I am not coordinated” or “I don’t have a head for numbers” or “I lack patience”, etc. Go beyond these reasons and ask yourself what was my process for doing this. What about my commitment or lack of commitment to the process contributed to my success or failure?

When we understand process, we then understand that when we don’t do have the result that we want to achieve we simply have to correct our process. Correcting or committing to our process gives us a lot more flexibility to grow and master life than accepting that we are simply “good” or “bad” at things.

Life is a process, not an event! Play with the process and know that you can change and self correct the process as needed. You are the driver of your life and your process.

Focus on the process and our limitations diminish

July 4^th is Independence Day in the United States. Although in present time, Independence Day is thought by most to be a day of backyard cookouts, time with family and friends and a night of spectacular fireworks the day is truly a celebration of a group of people declaring their independence from England and the formation of a new country.

On a personal level most people love to declare how independent they are, however the truth is that most people are very dependent.

A friend of mine just bought a new house and she was telling me of all the work she was doing to move all of her belongings from the old house to the new one. She said she had so much “stuff” to move. She went on to say that most of the stuff were things she didn’t really have a need for, however she was hanging on to them anyway. She then asked me directly, “Why do we hold on to so much stuff that we don’t really need?”

What a great question! The answer is rather simple. We accumulate stuff and hold on to stuff because we believe this “stuff” is part of us. Matter of fact many people, albeit unconsciously believe we are defined by our “stuff”.  That is, we believe that we are who we are in part because of the things we have, therefore we cling to what we have even when what we have no longer serves a useful purpose in our life.

This doesn’t sound like very independent thinking does it? Now, one may argue and say that the more I have the less I have to rely on others, which does make sense. To that point I would say, I am not saying that it is bad to possess things, what I am saying is that when we hold on to things because we believe in some way that if we gave them it would diminish who we are or change who we are that we have crossed the line from independent to dependent.

Think about all of the things that you possess in your life, car, house, books, CD’s, stereo, old letters, things from your childhood, etc. If you lost any or all of what you now have, would it change who you are? Would losing any of it change the essence that is you? If you think about it, the answer is no, who you are would not change because you lost any of the things in your life.

Now with the understanding that you are not defined by your possessions, the next thing to do is to de-clutter your life. Ask yourself, what am I holding on to that serves no real purpose in my life. What is cluttering up my house, the attic, the basement, the junk drawers, or junk closet that if it were gone tomorrow would not change anything for the worst? Knowing that these “things” are not you allows you to begin to purge the clutter from your life. As you clear the clutter from your life you will regain your independence and begin to understand that everything external to you is temporary at best and that by letting go of our need to hold on to our  possessions we create personal freedom.

By the way, de-cluttering your physical possessions applies to the thoughts you hold on to as well. Release those thoughts which no longer serve a purpose and declare your independence from a mind cluttered with antiquated ideas and emotions that have long since passed their original purpose.

It is interesting to me how our awareness gets jogged now and then. I believe that my awareness is very high, however as with most of us, my vision becomes clouded at times. Recently I received a call from a company who would like me to consider taking position with them. Interestingly enough, I was not looking for a new position with another company. I am very busy and satisfied with my current company and position. I was both flattered and intrigued that this company had sought me out for this particular opportunity with their company so I agreed to go in for a visit and meet with the key players.  The meeting/interview was very interesting and unlike most interviews I have been through in my life, very relaxed. I was particularly relaxed because I had no real stake in the outcome of this meeting.  I was not there because I needed a job or even because I was dissatisfied with my current position. I was there more out of curiosity.

I met with the VP of Sales and Marketing, the VP of Human Resources and the co-owner of the company. As I was meeting with these decision makers, I found myself in a natural flow, speaking freely of my ideas, my visions, my past experience and I felt a surge of creativity as  I speculated on the possibilities that this position had and the difference I could make as a part of this company. All in all a great quasi interview.  

As I stepped out of that situation, I stepped back into the reality of my current position. It was late Friday afternoon and I was on the hook to put together a very detailed presentation on a new business concept that I had not yet got my arms around that I had to present to a very high level of the company on Monday afternoon. To compound matters I had a big gathering scheduled at my house on Saturday which would eat up the rest of my Friday and all day Saturday. This means that the earliest I would be able to even start working on my presentation was Sunday. I don’t mind short time lines, however for this one I was mentally stuck, not sure what direction I was going to go and how I was going to formulate this presentation.

Saturday morning as I prepared for that day’s festivities I reflected on my meeting with the new company and then I reflected on the presentation that I had to put together and it hit me! I had nothing to worry about, I simply had to let go of the out come. I had to let go of my need to impress and wow those I was presenting to. In an instant I realize that the reason the meeting had gone so well and that my creative juices were overflowing was because I had no real stake in the outcome and that once I released my attachment to outcome of the presentation that the creativity would flow and that which I was struggling to get my arms around would come to me with ease. At that moment I let go of the outcome and went about preparing for the big event of the day and did not give much thought to the presentation until later that night when all of my guests had left and I could relax.

As I lay on the couch, relaxed and dozing off to sleep I thought about the task ahead of me and how I could get it done. The next morning, I awoke ready to go and knowing exactly what I needed to do to get the presentation done. A few hours later I was finished and happy with material that I had pulled together.

There are multiple lessons here, one of which is we must trust in the process and release ourselves from the outcome and two creativity flows when we relax and allow ourselves to be and third but not least, we are usually not as aware as we consider ourselves to be.

BTW - the presentation was a home run!

I was out for a walk yesterday morning, as I turned the corner of my street I passed a church. Being Sunday, the door was open, inviting anyone who passed by to enter. I thought to myself, how good it feels inside a church. There is a certain peace that can be found in a church, synagogue, mosque or any place of worship. The energy in places of worship is different. People are affected by this energy when they enter the door of a place of worship, there behavior and thoughts often change. People manifest into something other than their accepted norm when they believe they are in a sacred place. Their personal energy shifts because they believe they are in a place which brings them closer to source and the environment lends to this feeling of calm and deep reflection. There is a sense of connection with source when we enter a designated holy place.

As I considered all this in the few seconds it took me to pass by the church, I had to ask why? Why is this place, a church any more sacred than any where else? The simple answer is that a church, synagogue, mosque or any place else which has been deemed a sacred place is no more sacred that any place else in this universe. These places are all designated as “sacred” by man. The local super market parking lot is just as sacred if we say it is. We, our spirits are what make a place sacred. Truth is anywhere you are is sacred, because you emanate from source. You are as close to source as you choose to be, weather that be in a place of worship or standing in line at the bank. Being in a sacred place is not a matter of geography, it is a matter of awareness and perspective.

Once we fully grasp this understanding that we create a sacred place wherever we are then we begin to understand that how we behave inside a place of worship and outside of a place of worship is the same, because all places which we stand, kneel, lie down are indeed sacred and just as close to source as we desire to be.

Live in love, live in spirit and know that you are sacred and that by you simply being can makre anywhere you are a sacred place.